Heaven and Earth
by sparrowlove
Summary: Heaven does not torture. And Castiel does not serve Dean. Set during and after "The Rapture." Dean/Castiel.


In Heaven, it's not torture.

They are very clear on that. Torture is what goes on in hell. What they are doing up here is just for his own good. The endless attempts at forcing him to listen to reason he understands. They're right, of course. He argues anyway, because they do not really know Dean, and they do not know that he is not just a tool for them to use against Lucifer, and he will not help them unless he knows what is going on; he is not at that point yet. And so they move on to more... violent tactics.

But absolutely not torture.

Or at least that is what they say. But as they lazily pull feathers, one by one, and Castiel writhes under them, he wonders, and yes, he _doubts_ that they are not enjoying it. Doubts. Exactly what they are trying to stop.

And they know it is not working.

Castiel knows that he went too far. It is one thing to aid the Winchester brothers towards the fulfillment of their destinies; it is another to care for them. To care for them—and they know, of course, that it is only Dean he cares for—risks everything. If fate and the Almighty calls for the death of a Winchester, for example, it must happen. And if Castiel cares, he might try to prevent it.

Castiel believes that he would not go so far as to fight his orders, but then, at the start of his assignment, he did not believe he would go so far as to tell Dean anything. He would not tell Dean that archangels protected prophets, that it was Dean and not Sam the angels and their commanders thought could stop the apocalypse. That he, Castiel, had doubts.

Castiel winces as another feather is pulled. It does not hurt, exactly, it is not torture, but Castiel feels pain because he knows that they are disappointed with him.

And if they are, He is.

Castiel tries to accept what they are telling him. What they are showing them with their heavenly violence. To an outsider, it would look almost beautiful, all flashing wings and ethereal power.

To Castiel they look no different than their darker counterparts.

Eventually, he has no choice but to obey.

On Earth, Dean Winchester stares into the other man's eyes, and Jimmy Novak knows that it isn't he that Dean is searching for. "Dean," he whispers, and Dean blinks, "He's not here. I promise."

"Where is he?" Dean demands.

"I told you," Jimmy replies, "that I don't know. I barely remember anything about—"

Dean slams his hand down on the dashboard of the Impala. "But you remember some things," he exclaims. "Why can't you remember this, you son of a bitch?"

Jimmy's voice when he responds to Dean's question is cold and flat, and for a moment he resembles that entity which his body previously housed. "I don't have to help you. I don't know why I don't know, but I don't really care either. I want to get back to my family. I'm not going to kill myself trying to remember the details of the worst year of my life just because lost track of your guardian angel."

Dean clenches his fist and doesn't respond. _So goddamn self-righteous_, he thinks. _No wonder Cas picked this guy to live in_.

He hopes that Jimmy wasn't aware of what was going on that time he kissed Castiel-in-Jimmy's-body. He probably would have gotten a lecture on going to hell or not kissing people who don't have a choice in the matter because they're being possessed or some bullshit by now if Jimmy had been around at that point, but Dean isn't sure. Doesn't give a damn either. Right now he just wants to know what the hell happened to Castiel and when the hell he'll be coming back.

In Heaven, Castiel thinks about Dean. _Dean's pushing him backwards into the wall in an anonymous hotel room, their lips meeting frantically as Dean presses his body against the angel's. Castiel has the strength to push Dean away, to throw him across the room if he wants, but he does not. What he does is pull Dean closer. In the vessel, he cannot feel much, but he can feel this._

On Earth, Castiel returns. When he sees Dean, Castiel remembers kissing, touching, feeling. When Dean asks him what happened, Castiel remembers pain, displeasure, fear. He wants to tell Dean, more than anything, he wants to tell Dean. But he cannot. So he hides his emotions as he always does. And when he tells Dean that _he serves heaven, not man, and certainly not Dean_, and Dean looks at him as though his heart is broken, Castiel walks away.


End file.
